my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
