why didn't you poke me back
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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