I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
