Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
