Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
