make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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