My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
