theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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