Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
