I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
