My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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