Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
