I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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