I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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