All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
