We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
