Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
