The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
