Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
