If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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