bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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