she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
