new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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