I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
