Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
