if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
