Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
