Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
