New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
