It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
