Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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