If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
