Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
