Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
