maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
