You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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