Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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