God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
