Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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