Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
All I want is dick and wine.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
