my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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