Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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