I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize