Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
