I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
