i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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