I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
