Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
