If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
