Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
