Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
