Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Of course I have a pirate flag
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
