She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
