Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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