you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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