I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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