If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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