I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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