she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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