I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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