Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
a search helicopter?!
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
