Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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