Who wears a wallet chain?!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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